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REVIEW — “The Hitman’s Bodyguard”

 You guys are really gonna hate me for this one…

The Hitman’s Bodyguard is written by Tom O’Connor, is directed by Patrick Hughes and stars Ryan Renolds, Samuel Jackson, Gary Oldman, Élodie Yung and Salma Hayek. It tells the story of the world’s top protection agent, who is called upon to guard the life of his mortal enemy, one of the world’s most notorious hit men. The relentless bodyguard and manipulative assassin have been on the opposite end of the bullet for years and are thrown together for a wildly outrageous 24 hours. During their journey from England to the Hague, they encounter high-speed car chases, outlandish boat escapades and a merciless Eastern European dictator who is out for blood. So, I was very excited for this. The advertising campaign was great, the leads were great, everything looked great. Was it great? No. The Hitman’s Bodyguard just isn’t funny. The jokes that are funny are hilarious but I spent most of my time watching this silent and rolling my eyes. Sorry guys!

Patrick Hughes is directing here and while I don’t want to tear his film apart, he really needs some work. I need to stress that, The Hitman’s Bodyguard isn’t horrible. It’s very inoffensive. It’s a fun action romp. But it’s just not funny. Hughes has a sort of identity crisis here. He can’t decide whether he’s making a spoof, an action comedy, or a satire. When this tries to take itself seriously, it completely loses the audience and all the funny jokes in the trailer. There are some cool action sequences and some funny gags but I’m never gonna re-watch this. I probably won’t even remember it by weeks end. I’m sounding very harsh but I really don’t have a lot to say. It’s just one in a string of lazy comedies that waste their great cast. If you like this, I don’t hate you. It’s a perfectly passable time at the theater but this rubbed me the wrong way.

Tom O’Connor penned the screenplay, and if he did not have such likable and naturally funny leads, The Hitman’s Bodyguard would be almost unwatchable. At times, this is very funny. Renolds and Jackson have a great relationship and it starts off sorta strong, but it takes an abrupt nose dive. The plot is messy and insanely convoluted and the jokes are either flat or just not funny. There is a fart joke in here. I don’t understand how in 2017, screenwriters still think having a character fart is funny. This isn’t as bad as something like Baywatch or Dirty Grandpa, but it’s so unexceptional that I can’t give it a pass. If we let passable movies do well, we won’t ever get anything exceptional. I know there is a good thing in here somewhere, but it’s shrouded in mediocrity.

The cast is admittedly great here. Ryan Renolds is a damn sweet heart and deserves better. He’s charismatic, charming, funny, and handsome. He’s a great leading man and I’d trust him with my child. Jackson does a great and vulgar job here and has some great lines. Other than that, everything else is pretty barren here. I may be the only one with this opinion but I found Salma Hayak unbearable here. I just found her loud and annoying, all she does is curse and yell. Gary Oldman is in a completely different film. He’s doing a poor man’s Hans Landa and he is completely tone deaf. He’s taken way too seriously and is very out of place. I found it odd that no funny side characters ever show up, the comedy really falls on the two leads shoulders. The funniest jokes felt improved and they make this watchable.

On a technical level, The Hitman’s Bodyguard is very odd. At times it’s well shot and surprisingly competent, but at times it’s over exposed and too loud. The first few action scenes were too loud and fast to comprehend at times and the score is very generic and bland. Almost every shot in the movie is too bright and at times it’s painfully green-screened. But, you’re not going to a comedy to see the great cinematography or the amazing score, you’re going for the jokes. Most of which fall flat here.

Guys I’m really sorry. I wanted to like this. I know I’m tearing it apart but it really doesn’t deserve that. It’s not offensively bad and it’s not horribly mad. It’s just fine. Everything is mediocre and nothing is exceptional. I wanted this to be great, I really did. I guess after being burned by Baywatch, Chips and Snatched, I just wanted this to be better. 2/5

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